Basta's Love Game
by Till-Owlyglass
Summary: Love is in the air as the festival of l'amour decends upon Capricorn's village. But what happens when Basta, arguably the least romantic of all the Black Jackets, is given the job of sending Capricorn an anonymous Valentine's card?
1. Part 1

_**Just something I've felt like writing for a while. Includes special cameo appearences from some of my lovely OC Black Jackets from my other Inkheart stories! Cookies and much love to anyone who can spot them all and tell me which story they appear in! Happy Valentine's Day my freaky little darlings! XXX**_

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**Basta's Love Game**

_Part 1_

It was only breakfast time and Basta was already feeling sick. Not in the 'Oh-God-I'm-never-going-to-drink-again' sense and not in the 'Damn-you-Cockerell-for-sneezing-in-my-face-without-catching-your-germs-now-I've-caught-your-crummy-cold' sense either. No, today was the day before Valentine's Day and the church hall was already like a scene from the Discovery Channel. Basta had this theory, you see, he believed that Valentine's Day was the human equivalent to the animal kingdom's mating season; in the weeks leading up to 14th February humans of both sexes were on the prowl to seek out a perfect potential mate before the sacred holiday arrived, lest they find themselves spending the day alone like some lonely unloved loser - another Basta in other words.

Basta, sitting in the middle of the table sipping his coffee, watched the scene around him with a kind of grouchy, morbid fascination; directly opposite him Silas - a tall, golden Adonis - had grabbed a maid named Anna's hand as she reached over his shoulder to collect his empty plate, and was gazing deep into her eyes while telling her what a marvellous shade of blue they were; down the table, a rather lovely looking redhead who went by the name of Kate was leaning forward on the table, thus offering a tantalising glimpse of her ample bosom as she talked to an open-mouthed, glassy-eyed Gino, who didn't seem to notice that the men sitting nearby were also taking advantage of the fine view; Kiera, the maid with the startling green eyes, paused for a moment as she hurried back to the kitchens with a pile of empty bread baskets in her arms to place a kiss upon the back of her sweetheart Alanzo's neck - it had been no secret amongst the men that he had had a soft spot for her for some time and was no secret amongst the maids that she had likewise had her eye on him; quiet Regina seemed to be spending an inordinate amount of time loitering near an oblivious Zaccaria; and even thirteen year old Efisio was perking up like an eager puppy every time a pretty young blonde girl passed.

The whole display sickened Basta who could see no point in celebrating the unremarkable life of a beheaded Christian martyr. FACT: According to Basta's not so extensive research, Saint Valentine led a completely unromantic life and is also the patron saint of bee keepers, plague, epileptics and against fainting. So if you happen to be an epileptic bee keeper who faints a lot and also happens to have the plague, he's the guy you want to talk to.

As all this lovey-dovey, sweetness and light, I-love-you-so-much-I'll-carve-your-name-in-my-forehead-with-a-compass nonsense was beginning to make his teeth hurt, Basta downed the remaining lukewarm dregs of his coffee and made his way to the church doors. Unfortunately he was intercepted by Mortola.

"You!" the old hag snapped, grabbing his arm and dragging him into corner out of earshot of the rest of the church. Basta found himself worrying what the other men might say if someone happened to notice him sneaking off to a secluded, shadowy corner of the church with Mortola - this would be bad for Basta's reputation were anyone to witness this sight on any _normal _day but today, considering the collective romantic atmosphere which most people seemed to be sharing, it would be _disastrous_!

"What! What do you want?" Basta hissed, his eyes darting fearfully about the hall.

Mortola glowered at being spoken to so disrespectfully, "I've got a job for you." she said haughtily.

"I'm _not_ your servant! I serve Capricorn!"

"It's a service _for _Capricorn." This made Basta stop and listen.

"You have to buy him something for this holiday tomorrow." Mortola continued.

"Wait, _what_? Valentine's Day?"

"Yes."

"Valentine's Day?" Basta said again.

Mortola put her hands on her hips and scowled, "Stop repeating it, I am not deaf! But it appears _you _are!" she snapped, "_Yes_, I want you to buy Capricorn something for Valentine's Day." she said this extra slowly as if Basta was a half-wit who had serious trouble grasping a concept.

"Mortola, I really don't think you understand what Valentine's Day is about." Basta said, "It's not a holiday like Christmas where you can give presents to anyone - well, except strangers of course, because that's slightly creepy - Valentine's Day is where a person gives presents to the person they _love_."

"I know perfectly well the ins-and-outs of Valentine's Day!" Basta couldn't imagine how - the old crone had probably never gotten any love in her life!

"Then do you mind telling me why on Earth you want me to do such a thing?" he said confusedly.

Mortola sighed, "Look around you, all you see is couples fawning all over each other and tomorrow they'll probably exchange their ridiculous gifts. The problem is, girls are too afraid to express their feelings towards Capricorn - though I'm sure there are plenty who'd love to!" Basta doubted this. "But he needs to know that girls are thinking of him. Why, any girl in her right mind would give her right arm to be married to Capricorn!" Again, Basta didn't quite find this plausible.

"So you want me to make Capricorn believe that all the girls here are desperate to jump his bones?"

Mortola's eyes narrowed, "In a manner of speaking, yes."

Basta groaned, "And what do I get for this?"

"The pride in knowing that you've helped to make your Master very happy! Now go!" Mortola snapped, slapping him upside the head.

"Ow! Okay, okay! Jeez!" Basta said, hightailing it out the church doors.

Outside, Basta was at a loss what do next. That is until he spotted Alexi lounging on the church steps, smoking a cigarette.

"Hey!" Basta said, his voice brimming with mock-cheerfulness as he sat down next to the other man. Alexi merely nodded and offered him a cigarette, Basta accepted.

"Listen, I need to ask your advice." he blurted. Alexi looked surprised for a moment then shrugged, Basta took this to mean "Ask away".

"If I wanted to buy some particular items for someone for-"

"Drugs?" Alexi interrupted

Basta was astonished at his frankness, "No! No, thank you! I was actually talking about gifts for Valentine's Day."

Alexi frowned and scratched his head vigorously, causing his messy black curls to look all the more dishevelled. Finally he took his cigarette from his mouth and spoke, "Well, I suppose the simplest thing to get her is a card." Basta squirmed at the word 'her'.

"They can be funny or romantic, but you may have to spend a little time picking out one with the right message." Oh great, thought Basta, reading. "Most girls get pretty pissed if you just give them a card so it's best to give them a present - or six. Flowers are good. Red roses perhaps?" No, Basta thought, he was pretty sure he had once seen some flowers shrivel and die on the spot when Capricorn looked at them.

"Or chocolates?" Nah, Capricorn wasn't the kind to go for that whole "Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get" thing - usually he got what he wanted when he wanted.

"Stuffed animals?" Capricorn would probably use those for target practice.

"Jewellery?" Out of Basta's price range and besides, Capricorn wasn't going to take up cross-dressing anytime soon. At least, Basta hoped.

"Where's the best place to buy these things?" he asked.

"The store in town! Where do you think, dumbass?"

"Oh, right! Thanks!" Basta stood up, after throwing his cigarette to the ground and grinding it out underneath his heel, he walked to the car park.

Driving to the nearest town, Basta tried to work out what he should buy for Capricorn. As he'd already decided against all the things Alexi had suggested, he was back where he started: still none the wiser. Sure, he _could _have asked Alexi what one would normally give a guy on Valentine's Day but the last thing Basta wanted was for the entire village to think he was gay - most of the men already had their suspicions considering the fact that he couldn't charm any of the maids into bed to save his life. Basta was slightly pissed that they were so ready to assume that it was because he was "reluctant" and not because all the maids were stubborn cows. By the time he got to town and parked outside the store in a disabled spot, he still had no idea.

When Basta entered the store he realised that the entire front area had been decorated with Valentine's Day tat. Red card hearts hung suspended from the ceiling, racks of cards and displays of chocolates had been put out and a mound of fuzzy stuffed animals took pride of place in the centre of the floor. A gangly youth dressed as Cupid - wearing an obscenely short tunic, gold curly wig with tinsel halo, wings and clutching a miniature bow and arrow - pranced towards Basta, presumably to tell him the special offers on the boxes of chocolates. Basta took one look at him, reddened, then pushed him out of his way and strode away quickly. The youth, unperturbed, regained his balance and skipped away to greet the next customers coming through the doors.

Basta decided to look at the card racks first. Despite being almost entirely illiterate, he was still able to tell which cards were intended for women and which were for men. He glanced through a couple of cards but after a while his mind began to wander and he ended up gazing about the store blankly at the other customers; a hassled looking middle-aged woman was trying to wrestle her toddler away from a stuffed duck which he seemed to have taken a fancy to; a teenage couple were feeding each other free samples of chocolate, giggling all the while and stopping at intervals to peck each other on the lips repeatedly; a group of girls who looked about eleven or twelve years old stood whispering together, the name 'Ben' came up often in their conversation.

Basta caught the eye of a pretty girl in her early twenties. She smiled at him and he grinned back, he was just about to sidle over and turn on the charm - he even found himself considering that perhaps his prospects of getting laid were finally looking up. But then she suddenly glanced down and, furrowing her brow in frustration, wandered away to look at a display of chocolates. Basta was confused for a moment, then he realised he was still standing clutching a card which was obviously intended to be sent to a guy. Shit.


	2. Part 2

**Basta's Love Game**

_Part 2_

Basta decided to go with the card in his hand since it had seemingly done a pretty good job convincing the girl. He also decided that because it was supposed to be a girl sending the gifts, it didn't matter whether the presents were girly, and so he made his way over to the chocolate counter where a smiley blonde assistant was giving out free samples.

"Hello, sir! Looking to buy some chocolates for the special lady in your life?" the assistant greeted him in a sickeningly sweet sing-song voice.

Basta balked at the word 'lady', "Uh, yeah sure." he muttered, eyeing the tantalising selection of chocolates spread out on the counter before him, the mere sight of them was enough to make his mouth water. Basta had a sweet tooth.

"Well, we have a wonderful selection! You can pick the box and the wrapping paper and ribbon. And then mix and match the chocolates to put inside! Isn't that just _wonderful_, sir?"

"Yeah, that's…uh…great." he stammered, more than a little creeped out by the woman's enthusiasm.

"And if you buy the biggest box, we'll even give you one of our lovely Valentine's balloons for _half price_. Half price, sir!"

'_Bitch, just get to the part where you offer me free samples to try!_' Basta inwardly screamed, but instead he responded with a polite, "Uh-huh, that sure is great. I guess I'll go for that."

"Wonderful! Now, first things first: what shaped box would you like? We have square, oval, heart-shaped, or perhaps you'd like-"

"The heart. Just gimme the heart." he interrupted.

"Lovely choice! Now, the ribbon. I always say add a special touch by choosing a ribbon the same colour as her eyes. What's the colour of your lovely lady's eyes, sir?"

Basta was half tempted to say that his 'lovely lady' didn't have eyes, just to see the look on the assistant's face, but of course he didn't, "Green." he randomly blurted.

"Green!" the assistant sighed dreamily as she cut a length of ribbon, "How lovely! How exotic!"

Basta was getting agitated and very hungry, and bad things tended to happen when Basta was agitated - even worse things happened when he was hungry. Right now he was having trouble deciding between just grabbing a handful of chocolates and shovelling them in his mouth, or punching the assistant in her stupid, creepy, annoying, grinning face. Both seemed equally desirable.

"Lastly, the wrapping paper. Might I suggest this lovely shade of blue to offset the green?"

"Fine. Sure. Whatever." Basta said through gritted teeth, his hands clenching into fists.

"Wonderful! Now, onto the choosing of the chocolates!" the assistant beamed, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Great." Basta snatched a chocolate at random from one of the trays and popped it into his mouth, "So what's this I'm eating?" he asked as he chewed.

"That's a caramel heart."

"What about this one?" he had put another chocolate in his mouth without even waiting to finish eating the caramel heart.

"White chocolate with a strawberry swirl."

"And this one?" A third one joined the other two.

"Chocolate-orange."

"And what's this?" Basta's words were almost completely garbled due to the four chocolates stuffed in his mouth.

"Turkish Delight covered in milk chocolate." the assistant looked a little nauseated by his show of gluttony so Basta swallowed what was in his mouth before selecting the next chocolate.

It took a couple of chews before the flavour hit him, "Oh Jeez, I hate marzipan!" Basta spat the chewed up mess into his hand but the revolting taste of marzipan still lingered on his tongue and he began retching loudly. By the time his stomach settled everyone in the store was staring and even the smiley assistant was fixing him with a look of undisguised disgust.

"Here's a napkin, sir." she said tonelessly, handing him a square of paper.

"Thanks. Look, just put one of every kind in the box - except the marzipan." he said as he wiped his sticky hand.

"Wonderful, sir!" she said cheerily, perking up and recovering her previous vigour at the prospect of a sale. Basta found himself hating this woman with her fake cheeriness and her 'Wonderfuls' and her 'Sirs'.

When the chocolates were placed in the box, and the box was wrapped and tied, Basta reluctantly paid the woman the ridiculous amount they were asking for stuff he could get for a hell of a lot cheaper any other week of the year, and trudged from the store with the card and chocolates under one arm and the special half price balloon bobbing along after him.

He was almost out the door when the skinny boy dressed as Cupid intercepted him again, "Before you leave, sir, I would like to tell you about the special offer we have on-"

"Will you just get away from me, you freak!" Basta all but screamed in the boy's face as he shoved past him.

Inside the car, Basta dumped the items on the passenger seat and started up the engine. Then he noticed the time on the clock on the dashboard. He'd been in town an hour, if he was gone for too long then Capricorn would notice and begin to get suspicious as to why his faithful right-hand man was not at his side. Shit! He had to get back to the village fast.

Basta drove like a madman, overtaking other cars recklessly and turning corners so fast that the car was practically on two wheels. As he drove, the balloon kept incessantly drifting in front of his face, blocking his view of the windscreen. Basta lost count of how many times he smacked it away only for it to resume making its slow journey in his direction. It was the final straw when the balloon blocked his view again and the car ended up cruising onto the wrong side of the road and into the path of an oncoming lorry. When the balloon was out of the way again and he realised what was happening, Basta emitted a rather unmanly shriek and quickly swerved the car back onto the right side of the road. As the lorry passed the driver threw an extremely rude hand gesture at Basta. Deciding that he didn't fancy getting into a head-on collision all for the sake of a crappy Valentine's balloon, Basta opened the sunroof and let the offending item float up and away out the car.

Once back at the village he parked the car and walked to find Mortola, the card and box of chocolates hidden under his jacket. He found her in the kitchens which were, thankfully, empty - if one of the maids happened to witness the items changing hands then they might make assumptions and no doubt the rumours of 'Basta's crush on Mortola' would spread throughout the village like wildfire. He thrust the items wordlessly into her hands and left her to worry about finding a way to smuggle them into Capricorn's bedroom.

One week later and all was back to normal. With Valentine's day past, the almost unbearable atmosphere of sexual tension between the maids and the men had died down and Mortola's scheme seemed to have worked. Basta actually found himself relaxing, thinking that Capricorn had fallen for the ruse and believed that one of the maids had sent him the anonymous gifts. Then he was summoned to Capricorn's house.

At first Basta thought nothing of it, he was often summoned to Capricorn's home to assist his master with business or some new scheme. Capricorn was in the drawing room, standing with his back to the door, looking out the window. Basta had just opened his mouth to greet his master when he noticed the card and chocolates upon the table, the sound came out as a strangled cry instead. Capricorn turned around, his silver eyes narrowed as studied Basta carefully.

"Have you ever seen those items before, Basta?" his master asked him, his voice menacingly calm.

"No." Basta croaked.

"Is that so? Then please explain this."

Basta took that envelope which Capricorn held out to him. Inside he found two pieces of paper, the first he couldn't read but the second was easy enough to understand for it was a photograph. A photograph of him. From what Basta could tell, it was taken by one of those newfangled speed-cameras which actually took a photograph of the offending car so that the driver could be identified. And there he was, melted chocolate smeared round his mouth, snarling as he batted away that troublesome balloon _again_.

Basta felt sick.

"The other piece of paper tells me that you were travelling at a ridiculous speed over the limit and that _I_ am expected to pay a fine of 125 Euros because the car in question is registered in my name." Capricorn said coldly.

"Sir, I…" Basta bleated.

"I expect the money in full by this evening. We shall say nothing of what you were _doing _on that particular trip."

"Yes, sir." Basta said, turning positively scarlet with humiliation.

"You are dismissed."

Basta hightailed it out of the room and into the village. He had to find Alexi and talk to him about getting a loan.

**The End**


End file.
